The Wolstanton Quarterly World Wide Website Late Spring 2007 Edition!!
"I recognize that colour!!" exclaimed a computer Geek. "That's #CCCC00". (Correct - Ed.)
"Gosh this is a long one!" said a reader and Carry On film fan.
The Wolstanton Online Periodical World Wide Website is best viewed 800X600 using your eyes.
WARNING! Occasionally items are not entirely true.
No trees were harmed in the production of this periodical, although an awful lot of electrons were inconvenienced!!
Posted 30/05/2007.
www.wolstanton.net/ How local can you get?. This site has to be one of the most under-used facilities available to the Luddites of Wolstanton. No one has signed up for anything. They even got two people to register their discontent with the new link road. Go on readers, if you all visit they will have 15 hits! They will think the site has suddenly taken off!
Antiques Roadshow
Antiques Roadshow A fine collector's item on display
Top Gear
Top Gear This is why we watch this fine BBC show! A very informative article indeed.
08/03/2007
John Inman, aged 71. Famous for mincing and the catch-phrase "I'm free!". Always up for a chat with Mrs. Slocombe about her pussy. They don't make comedy like that any more. Check out the Wikipedia entry
23/02/2007
John Ritchie
Stoke City's leading goal scorer of all time and my hero died aged only 65. He played in the era when Stoke used to beat the likes of Chelsea in Cup Finals.
Magnus Magnesium. Started now he's finished.
Frankie Lane. Deserves a mention for singing Rawhide and Blazing Saddles if nothing else.
25/04/2007
Alan Ball died aged 61. Youngest member of the only English team ever to lift the World Cup and former Stoke City manager.
The editor refuses to comment on this utter rubbish. Carphone Warehouse suspended sponsorship of this TV drivel over racist remarks made by a "contestant". How it is that the media and the British public bestowed celebrity status to Jane Goody is quite beyond me. Jeremy Clarkson described her as "a waste of skin and organs" on Top Gear. Well said Jezzer!
It's 300 years since Scotland joined England in the Act Of Union. Apparently 56% of Scots are still in favour. Alex Sammon would STILL like to see a referendum. So would I! Then he and his nationalist party can silence their collective voice once and for all.
I received "one of those calls" from O2 the other day:
Salesman: Can I speak to the manager please.
Editor: That's me. I'm a sole trader.
Salesman: Do you use mobile phones?
Editor: Yes.
Salesman: How many phones do you use?
Editor: One.
Salesman: Is it on contract?
Editor: Yes.
Salesman: How much do you pay per month?
Editor: Eight English pounds.
Salesman: What do you get for that?
Editor: 75 minutes across networks and 100 free texts.
Salesman: Do you find that's enough?
Editor: Yes.
Salesman: ....er OK. Thanks for your time
Editor: Thank you for calling.
It's the first time ever I've had a disappointed salesman put the phone down on me! RESULT!!
09/02/2007
Only this time we added boobs to make a snow-woman. "Equality for snow people" is our new slogan. What would all those snowmen do without any snow-women? Don't answer that!!
14/02/2007
Today is Valentine's Day. Today is also the day Viagra becomes available over the counter. Let's hope it puts an end to the annoying spam-verts.
Best limerick of the day was read out by the Tog Meister:
Roses are Red,
Viagra is Blue,
They sell it at Boots,
I've got some for you!
WHO'S THAT GIRL
A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a 50 pence piece. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the coin and starts panicking and shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious-looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market, reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the money to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?
"No," the woman replies, "I work for the Inland Revenue"
21/02/2007
83 today. The leaders of his starving nation laid on a lavish feast to celebrate RM's 83rd Birthday. Let's all hope he doesn't have too many more. Once the harvest is in this year, the remaining farms under white man control will be seized and split up for subsistence farming. Surely this must bring things to a head!!!!! Inflation is currently at 1600% per annum.
06/03/07
We're all of a certain age aren't we? How many times have you heard someone say "where have all the years gone?"? Well! Have you ever asked yourself "where do all the years keep coming from?"?
09/03/2007
Heather Mills (McCartney) is going for a ten thousand English pounds pay out from Sir Paul in their bitter divorce battle. The problem is she wants it every day! I'd let him shag me for a year if that was the benefit! Oops! You know my price now.
30/03/2007
From the BBC (so it must be true - Ed):
A New York gallery has angered a US Catholic group with its decision to exhibit a milk chocolate sculpture of Jesus Christ.
The six-foot (1.8m) sculpture, entitled "My Sweet Lord", depicts Jesus Christ naked on the cross (with all parts intact - Ed.).
Catholic League head Bill Donohue called it "one of the worst assaults on Christian sensibilities ever".
(Is this as bad as cartoon Mohammeds? - Ed.)
16/04/2007
Those of you who are of a certain age (all of you) may well remember the days of your childhood when we used to speed up the Slide in the park with grease proof paper. Well, at the weekend we had a loaf of Warberton's finest floppy white medium sliced bread, wrapped in just the right looking paper. Today the boy and I tested the said bread wrapper. The result was just as staggering as all those years ago. Both of us nearly did ourselves serious injury! We then left the slide in its new speeded up state for whoever came along later. Let's hope they appreciated it!
29/05/2007 Follow the Dog is a mountain bike course on Cannock Chase. Possibly the hardest seven English miles I've ever ridden. My bike was wrecked when I'd finished. The brakes wore out and the wheels were ruined. I've fixed the bike now I'm ready to go again. Check it out here
Well done Mikrosoft! They've done it again. Windows Vista is the latest half cocked operating system to hit the market. Just like the release of previous operating systems the public will beta-test it while hardware manufacturers suddenly need to write new drivers in order to be compatible.
For those of you who need reminding, WINDOWS is an acronym for:
Install
Needless
Software
On
Whole
System
Footy:
Click here for Stoke V Colchester highlights. I took Joe to this one. At the time I thought the crowd were a little harsh on the Ref but after seeing this I agree, he's not fit to ref-er-ee!
Tennis:
Wimbledon have announced that this year, for the first time, Ladies prize money will be the same as the Mens. This somehow seems unfair to me as they will still only do three fifths of the work! I'm all for equality as long as it's fair!!
2007 Continues to break records. Coldest test match against the Windies ever is the latest (30/05/2007)
Wolstanton Link Road is coming on nicely. Any editor worth his salt would have a picture here.
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Circulation 15
Some of Newcastle's outstanding landmarks in (out-of-date) pictures (erm...ahem.. next time eh?).