The Wolstanton Weekly World Wide Website
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WARNING! Occasionally items are not entirely true.
Posted 21/04/04.
www.elenasmodels.com Get your Russian wife here.
Happy Birthday:
21/04/04
Stand to attention! Today is the Queen's Birthday. We knew you'd be thrilled.
Top Celebrity Death:
Record Breakers' McWhirter dies
Norris McWhirter, founder of the world famous Guinness Book of Records, dies aged 78. No doubt he'll pop in to see Roy Castle.
Top Programmer Back From Russia:
Top Programmer and Editor of Wolstanton Weekly is back from Russia having successfully helped the Ruskies to make and package Cheesy Wotsits. It's a jet-setting lifestyle I know.
Now then, my mental image of Russian women was one of beefy weight lifters or skinny gymnasts. Imagine my surprise when we got to Moscow airport to find the place staffed with girls looking like models. There are a remarkable number of pretty women there and, probably due to food shortage, they're mostly slim.
The Hotel we stopped in was built for Cosmonaut's R&R. This is Russian five star. The building is really smart, even if the brickwork is a little wobbly. However, Russian five star does not include:
1, Room service.
2, A porter.
3, A resteraunt.
4, Any tea or coffee, etc in your room.
5, A mini bar
6, Polite and helpful English speaking staff.
The best way to describe it would be "5 star self catering".
The one member of staff who was cheerful was Andrew the barman. He kept us filled with beers and vodka. He was the only one there who did more than the bare minimum. When he ran out of beer he actually fetched some more! This may seem normal to English people but for Russians, this isn't in the book of rules.
The factory is brand new and could be anywhere in the world apart from all the notice boards are completely incomprehensible. I don't think I've been anywhere where I actually couldn't even find the toilet by looking at the signs before.
The daily drive to the factory took us past what I can only imagine is typical Russian landscape. Poorly maintained roads, forests, police road blocks, the mig factory and a BP petrol station. Exciting isn't it?
With no time at the end of the job for sight seeing we went straight to the airport. So now I've been to Egypt three times and never seen a pyramid and I've been to Moscow and not seen Red Square. It's a jet-setting lifestyle you know.
21/04/04
Terrorist style attacks in Basra are blamed on Al-Queda. Seems reasonable.
Catching The Blonde
This fat guy sees an ad for a new gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms on the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg. They strip him and lead him into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and ladders and tell him to wait a minute. He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and out steps a gorgeous blonde, stark naked, with a sign saying
"If you catch me, I'm yours."
He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed. Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there. And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door. In comes the management who lead him to the showers, and then weigh him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5 kg.
He's back on the street and starts to think.
"Jesus, I was so close to catching her. If I had a little more time..."
So he races back to the gym and says, "I want to lose 20 more kg."
"No problem," says the manager.
Again he strips, and is led to the large gym. This time he's standing by the door when it opens. Out comes a gorilla with a sign
"If I catch you, you're mine."
AngryNews:
Another Angrystars get together went well!! Watch this space.
"Five Star Russian Hotel"
Footy:
I'm sure something must have happened while I was off. I've actually got tickets for Stoke against West Ham on Saturday. Let's see if they play as well as the Radio Stoke commentators would have us believe.
Russian weather is still cold in early April. Minus 7 at night and snow showers are common.
The D road is getting exciting. The northern exit of the northern roundabout has been moved onto what used to be central reservation. Still can't work out what it will be like when they've finished.
It's all gone quiet again.
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